Okay that’s not just me, thank god. I thought something was just wrong with the sound deadening on my Forester, especially because my 30 year old Mazda 323 is at least 50% quieter. Nope, its what makes a Subaru, a Subaru.

anything decent with an RJ-45 port

Not sure if the current generation still has it, but work issued us techs with ThinkPad L14 Gen 3 laptops and I’ve been happy with it as a work device. It has an RJ-45 (was considered a requirement when they procured the laptops for techs) and mine has a Ryzen 5 Pro 5675U. Only complaints I would have for it is soldered USB-C connectors (which double as the only power source for the machine) and keyboard isn’t as nice as my personal T480 although definitely still fine.

I would caution against the 12th gen Intel i7 ThinkPads, we’ve had multiple internally have overheating issues or stuck in connected standby. My colleague wishes he never replaced his original work issue (same as mine).

I meant it in the sense of using an obscure operating system to be less likely to be targeted by a threat actor.

Or to be more general, using obscure software for increased security, over actually correctly configuring and using secure software.

Viruses already exist for Linux and have for a long time. They are less prevalent than Windows but this obviously shouldn’t be the primary defense strategy for your device.

…security by obscurity? Guess when Linux finally explodes in popularity, you’ll see me over on FreeBSD instead

I’m gonna beat the same drum most people beat here, you know it’s dystopian when you need the manufacturer’s permission to be “let” delete something from your device. This criticism equally applies to Android devices with locked bootloaders.

Aaaahh! Who are you?! Where’s Uncle Slim?

Re the web browsers I think you’re right. You may get away with a more lightweight browser like SeaMonkey or Falkon, maybe like 1 tab of Chromium lol

Distros I’d try on that would be Linux Mint Debian Edition, Debian w/ lightweight DE like LXDE or Xfce, or Arch Linux 32 if you really want to make it minimalist. Gentoo if you’re very adventurous but with my EEE PC I found compile times took up to days.